


Uncertainty

by Buttercup_ghost



Series: Loathing [1]
Category: Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Bullying, Denial of Feelings, Depression, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, F/F, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, Mental Breakdown, Romance, for now, probably out of character, sort of???? Idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-14
Updated: 2017-10-14
Packaged: 2018-12-30 10:42:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12106980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Buttercup_ghost/pseuds/Buttercup_ghost
Summary: Honaka loves muse, really.(She's just not sure they love her, is all.)Or: the one where honoka quits muse





	Uncertainty

**Author's Note:**

> This will probably be a series idk I'm half asleep fuck

Honoka cared too much.

She cared about her critics, she cared about her fans, she cared about her friends, she cared about her family. To some extent, honoka cared about everyone, and she paid the price.

It hurt.

She couldn't stop caring. Her emotions didn't have a on and off switch, and she was never good at isolating them. They all blend together in a mess of watercolor, creating a painting that strains your eyes and washes away in the rain. They came and went, as uncontrollable as the sky, darkness and light rising at inconvenient times, hues blending and clouds obscuring.

People hated her. She new this; even if she didn't always understand why people did, she knew they did. She couldn't blame them. Honoka was many things, but she wasn't a hypocrite.

How could she blame them for hating her, when she did as well?

She was, as others put it, dumb. She, personally, didn't think she was dumb, just too caring. But maybe those where the same thing, in the end. She didn't mind it. It all went in one ear and out the other, and it was no more difficult to smile than before. Really.

Even if people say she shouldn't be an idol, or that she's not worthy, or she's to lazy, or fat, _or_ –

She just.

She just felt down, sometimes. A hollow feeling of loneliness settling in her chest, drifting down like a leaf. Too soft, too gentle. Unbearable.

She was ok, though.

She didn't need anyone. She didn't need to burden anyone. She could handle it by herself, really.

So then why was she collapsed in the street, hyperventilating?

Honoka couldn't breath. It felt like the world was ending. Why was she always like this? Irresponsible, stupid, _lazy—_

A voice interrupted her thoughts, clear and soft, her name said as a question.

"Honoka?"

 

 

 

Tsubasa was gentle, soft. She reminded her of kotori, a bit, but here there was no umi to scold her for slacking off—something that, recently, has been less of a choice, and more of something she does unconsciously, spacing out, eyes blank.

"Do your teammates know?" She asks, voice soft, worried, and honoka shakes her head.

"Have you been eating?" A shake.

"Does anyone know?" A shake.

A pause.

"Do you think they care?" Hesitance, then a shake.

Tsubasa sighs, teal eyes looking at her in something that's not quite pity. Maybe it's understanding.

"....do you know I care?"

Ridgid stillness. Silence.

Another sigh, her gentle hand moving through her hair. Suffocating.

 

 

 

They continue like this. It hurts, it's painful, how kind she is. It settles in her chest and refuses to move. She calls it pain, but she means love. Eventually, they are meeting every week, even though they are enemies, rival teams. Honoka doesn't really feel like they are. Lately, she doesn't even feel apart of her team.

Her lips meet tsubasa, one day.

 

 

  
"You could stay here, if you'd like." Her voice is distant, sincere. A part of honoka wonders if perhaps this was her plan all along, to lure her here and make her join, that if she never loved her. But honoka knows her better than that, and doesn't flatter herself. If anything, she'd hold arise back.

"Please." She's afraid for her, and she knows it. She knows she knows it, too, and she sighs.

"I can't."

She chokes on her words. It hurts.

 

 

 

Umi and kotori are speaking, but she doesn't understand what they're saying. She hasn't been hanging out, with them, she realizes, and she doesn't get their inside jokes, their giggles ringing out, confusing her. Not only that, but their interlocked hands, remind her of tsubasa. She doesn't belong here.

She feels alienated, but she laughs anyways.

 

 

  
The next time she sees tsubasa, she cries, kissing her as if she'll disappear, before smiling the most blinding smile, tinted in a emotion she can't identify.

"I'll do it." She says, eyes shinning, and blue eyes meets teal.

"I'll join arise."

Tsubasa is crying, too, now, but not because she's sad. She's happy. She's so so happy, and overwhelmed, and she needs honoka to know, so she opens her mouth—

"I love you."


End file.
